Got another email today that starts with “Despite our best efforts”….the embryo arrested during compacting phase. Some would say genetic defect, others would say not enough mitochondrial energy, other’s would say God’s will. I’m going with God’s will…trusting this outcome, reminding myself that I can not control any of it. Doesn’t matter how much effort I put into improving mind, body, spirit via supplements, acupuncture, yoga, weight loss, etc., at the end of the day, there is some higher power in control of all of this and it’s not me. I am choosing to believe it’s just not our time, YET!. I remain forever hopeful….and plan on trying again in January – April. Stats say that 9 out of 10 eggs are bad at 45….so if this is true, I’m counting on at least one good egg out of 10 retrievals! I’m not giving up and will continue to try to release my limiting beliefs!
Heartache. I try not to complain too loudly as there are many, many women who’ve been through so much more gut wrenching heartache on this journey through IVF that I’ve never experienced. But wow, I had an attack of heartache that can not be denied.
I experienced it yesterday. Soul level heartache, a yearning for life not yet manifest. We spent an hour with hubbies friend and wife from college as we stopped for a quick visit on our drive home this weekend. She had a 7 month old in her arms, and a 2 year running around. She was young, beautiful, radiant, happy and her children were beautiful, happy, healthy. Cute, warm, loving military family. I was sad. I did my best to hide it and kept a smile on my face, but inside I was screaming, “I want that!” I felt like crying. But I didn’t. I stuffed it. I know better than to ask “God, why me, or “Why not me, God?” Instead, I just say “Please God, please meet my deepest desire, if it’s your will!” Oh, and “God Please knock me over the head with clear guidance when it’s my time to give up”. Because it’s not clear to me and I continue to lean in the direction of my deepest desire (spending tons of $$$$ in the meantime). The great news was that in spite of my deep yearning, I’ve been given so many opportunities to practice being happy for those who have what I want. I used to think it was impossible to experience multiple feelings at the same time but with practice I’ve learned it is very possible, and a great gift.
In this case, while I felt extreme sadness for my perceived “lack”, I was genuinely happy to be around this beautiful loving family. I’ve learned that there is no place for jealousy on this journey, no matter how hard I try to wallow in it, feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim to life’s harsh reality. It may feel good for a brief moment, but eventually it burns. I am the one that ends up paying a spiritual price for my victimhood, and self-pity. So instead I choose to feel my feelings including sadness, while being genuinely happy for other’s successes. I love babies, toddlers, so why wouldnt I want to be around God’s gift to others just because I lack what other’s have? It takes practice but it works. And that’s great progress as a few years ago I would not have been able to do this and would have avoided meeting up with this loving family. I would have lost out on a beautiful encounter. Life is too short and I’ve missed out on many of life’s great moments to love others as I was wrapped up in my self-pity.
So, while I got some not so great news today, life goes on! There are no mistakes. Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not! Thank you Byron Katie for that little gem of a phrase I continue to lean on. More will be revealed….
Our hunt for one good egg at 45 