It’s that amazing time here in Atlanta when the air is cool, crisp, and the leaves are starting to turn. I’m so grateful to live in a part of the country that experiences this season. There is an incredible energetic shift taking place before our eyes. Summer is over, as is the need for our Yang energy, that outward, outgoing vibrant energy of summer which begins to move inward and downward. The Chinese believe that Autumn prepares us for Winter by allowing Yang to shift to Yin energy as we slow into rest. And like a stubborn teen, Yang doesn’t always want to rest. But it must, so we can begin to prepare and plan for the future and allow time and space for thoughts to mature. Nature’s cycle of letting go has turned inward, returning to origin and source; the earth. This is the time to consolidate and rest our Chi, so our energy can go into “seed production”, to be stored and prepared for the next planting. Just as a tree pulls it energy inward, downward, into its roots in Autumn, and the leaves fall as they are let go by the tree, we too are preparing for Winter. It is a time of stillness and reflection, and an ideal time for contemplation, meditation, storing energy and rest.
I’m grateful that at any moment I can look around at the transition of the summer leaves to beautiful fall foliage and be reminded to let go and surrender my need to control the outcome of my fertility journey. This week I started a new cycle, and I assumed (a.k.a attached to an idea) that it would be the same as last months. It turns out I have cysts left over from the previous cycle and higher than my normal FSH. I was bummed when I got the email from the clinic letting me know as it’s not what I expected to occur. I felt a bit of panic and tension as I jumped to “What does this mean?” “Will my cycle be cancelled?” “Did Clomid or Lupron trigger cause these cysts?” “Cysts are NOT normal for me!” “OMG, does this mean menopause is around corner?” “Will I be converted to a natural cycle?” “Is the DHEA supplement causing this?” The questions just kept coming…rolling around in my head. I was on the express train to full blown insanity! Before I was too far gone, I was able to stop the trip into crazy town. I reminded myself that while it’s ok to make plans to head out to California later in the week, at the same time I can choose to go with the flow as Life may want me to take a different route. A trip to California and an egg retrieval may not be part of the greater divine plan this month. It’s all good. More will be revealed.
While driving today I heard a quote from one of my favorite authors, Byron Katie, that was just what I needed to hear….”suffering is caused by attachment to a deeply imbedded belief; it’s a state of blind attachment to something that you think is true.” As I hear these words, I’m reminded that while I have a deep longing for a biological child, and I believe it’s possible, I create my own suffering when I think it should have already happened or I should be pregnant today. I can’t force it to happen. Life can’t be forced.
As I look around at the trees and see autumn colors in Atlanta, I remember I’ve been given a beautiful gift from nature; the simple reminder that just as a tree effortlessly drops it’s leaves in preparation for winter, that I too can let go and stop resisting what is. Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not.
Our hunt for one good egg at 45 