Ahhhh…expectations. With each new cycle I find myself renewed, feeling hopeful, joyfully anticipating and expecting some great news as though with the multitude of supplements I take, along with lifestyle changes I’ve made, etc. that it will all suddenly payoff in some sort of fertility jackpot. I like to forget that I’m 45 years old, with diminished ovarian reserve, a label given older women for something that is perfectly normal and as nature intended, and I imagine the IVF nurse staring at their ultrasound screen proclaiming “WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE FOLLICLES! THERE ARE TOO MANY FOR ME TO COUNT! I’M GOING TO NEED HELP COUNTING ALL THESE EGGS!” with the nurse then promptly running out of the room to track down a fellow nurse to assist her in this exciting moment.
…so many beautiful follicles the the doctor’s greatest challenge is in choosing which eggs he’s going to attempt to retrieve.
This cycle I’m being reminded that there is a fine line between hope and expectations. It’s good to have hope! But expectations, hmmmm, well you see, this is where things can get dicey fast as most of the time I end being let down, sad and disappointed when things don’t go “as expected”. You’d think by now that I’ve learned that the minute I attach to some idea or belief of how I think the progress or outcome of an IVF cycle would turn out, it doesn’t end well and feel caught off guard. I know better. I know better that when I stay in reality and go with the flow, that most of the time I can accept what is and just ride the wave of reality in the moment without too much angst or tension. And yet this cycle I did it again. I expected and assumed I knew how the cycle would go and I found myself falling back into old patterns of struggling with reality.
As it would happen, during my CD2 monitoring session last Sunday, the nurse proclaimed….”no visible follicles”. What??? What do you mean “no visible follicles”? It would appear, in that moment, that my eggs were on strike.
Or, maybe, possibly, they were simply in the shadows in my ovaries and just needed a little more time to come out of hiding.
So I posted a question out to the fabulous ladies on my fertility forum and they said don’t worry, this happens, give your eggs time, at least one will pop up by your next monitoring session.
I decided to trust the wisdom and experience of these fabulous veteran IVF women who’ve gone before me ; I chose to believe that by the time to got to California, for CD8 monitoring, I’d have at least one golden egg. I let go of fear and worry. I was at peace, in the moment and began to prepare for the trip out to California. I even got my fall/winter garden planted and I’m excited to see what my harvest will look like in the spring.
I arrived last night in California after a long, challenging set of flights and an unfortunate experiencing involving my luggage being left on the ramp in Houston during a torrential thunderstorm. With plenty of hotel room hangars to help my soaked clothes recover and dry out and a good night’s sleep, I too recovered.
Today is CD8 and I was told I have an 18mm follicle growing on my left ovary. Surprise!!! One of my eggs was indeed hiding and decided to reveal itself today.
I assumed that this cycle would be another long one, with a terrible set of blood draws, a fight with a nurse over my treatment plan, spending Thanksgiving in California alone, and today I was pleasantly surprised to find out it’s not quite as expected. So lucky for me I’m not ending up confused, or sad, but I was caught off guard with good news and have had to laugh at myself for realizing that yet again I continue to think I know how I think life is going to unfold on this IVF journey.
My stats from today….
CD8 results
E2 (139.2) LH (6.2) FSH (14.4)
U/S:
EM: 9.3mm
RT: 8mm
LT: 18mm
Great news! I’ll be triggering tonight at midnight, and most likely I can fly home Tuesday. And because I expected another long drawn out cycle like last month, I overpacked, and overbooked everything…including the car, hotel and flight! Thankfully this time, inspite of my expectations, things are turning out pretty darn good.
The reminder I’m being given this cycle is to stay in reality, go with the flow, and try hard to find joy in ALL things while letting go of attachment to the outcome. Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not!
Egg retrieval Monday at 11am. More, most definitely, will be revealed!
Our hunt for one good egg at 45 