Pisstosterone – The Forgotten Hormone

Happy Halloween to all my blog readers tonight! I’m sitting here in my small mediocre motel-ish California hotel room thinking it would be good for my sanity to jot down a few thoughts regarding my day today. To bore you with the details or to spare you, that is the question. I’ll just say that we (the doc, the nurse, and myself) all may have waited one day too late to monitor and therefore there is a slight chance I’ll ovulate prior to retrieval on Saturday AM. Aaarrgghh!

For my number loving friends, here ya go! These are from today’s CD13 monitoring appointment.

CD13
E2(258.7) LH(16.7) FSH(35.5) P4(0.77)
U/S
EM: 9mm
RT: 6mm
LT: 22mm

As you can see I have a ripe ‘ol egg on the left ovary at 22mm, a whopper for me. What I don’t understand and the nurse could not explain to me today is how I went from 14mm two days ago, to 22 mm today?!? I’ve been told don’t worry, they only grow 1-2mm/day. Ummmm, ok.

Why am I pissed? Because if there is no egg in that follicle because I ovulate early, all this time, money, effort this cycle, down the friggin drain! Including a lost egg.

At 45, EVERY EGG COUNTS FOLKS!!!

Envision Xena, Warrior Princess walking from a rental car to her hotel room, swinging a battle ax and that would describe how I was feeling. I emailed the nurse promptly when I got back to my hotel room and let her know I was mad. She called me and began to talk quickly, asking me questions on how the clinic handled the cycle in August, asked if there was a 34-36 hour gap, blah blah blah. She hung up, talked to the Dr., and called me back. The new plan she says, is to take advil around the clock until Saturday morning to help prevent ovulation, trigger with Lupron tonight at midnight, and then she said good luck and good bye!

So, while I went to the freak out ledge earlier today with plenty of pisstosterone, for now I am choosing to believe in ALL possibilities as I wrote in a previous blog and hope that in fact they get an egg Saturday a.m. There better be a friggin egg in that follicle folks! More to be revealed!

Clomid flowers…

Last night I called a friend and left three teary messages….long ones…..rambling about how I was feeling sentimental, missing Halloween, one of my favorite holidays, feeling lonely, etc. WTH? I’m a Gemini…not a Pisces, Cancer or Scorpio – which are typically the emotional ladies of the Zodiac. Now emotions are not a bad thing…and please, if you are a water sign please don’t take offense. What I’m saying is for me, it’s very rare for me to be weepy, teary, overly sentimental, etc. And then it hit me late last night. CLOMID. It’s the dang clomid. I made several clomid-induced phone calls and I burst out laughing when I realized that I am affected by this sweet fertility drug. Even on a low dose, it’s affecting me. My blog post yesterday? Yep..a clomid post! So, I asking all my friends and family members, that when I call and I use phrases like “I’m so sentimental” or anything else uber-sappy etc., to stop and ask me if I’m on clomid. Then we can laugh and I can dial it back.

Today was a great day! Since I did not have a monitoring appointment, I took a yoga class nearby. It was an hour and half beginner class, and it was nothing like a gentle or restorative. It was a fabulous invigorating moving yoga class that left me feeling energized and good. Afterwards, I went to a new acupuncturist nearby and she too was awesome. When I got back to my hotel room, the message light was blinking….so I called the front desk and they said I had a package waiting for me. I was so curious as I didn’t order anything….so I walked down and here’s what I found….

Awwww soooo sweet….from my awesome DH! He sent me clomid flowers! 😉 Sent to brighten my day while I’m out here all alone feeling weepy, and emo. I am a lucky girl!

Monitoring tomorrow….here were my CD8 results for those of you who love numbers…E2(137.8) LH(8.1) FSH(21.0) P4(0.26)
US
EM:6mm
RT: simple cyst 8mm, 7mm (long flat)
LT: 12mm, 8mm

Can’t wait to see if those follies on the left grew and what surprises are hiding in my right ovary!

Not so sunny Southern California…

Good morning from overcast, chilly Southern California! I’m back in the OC and in the middle of mini-ivf cycle #2. It’s not your normal, always sunny and warm, Southern California weather. It’s gray, overcast and chilly with a forecast for rain tomorrow. Feels like home. I have to work hard to keep this weather from affecting my mood so I scheduled a yoga session at noon to get me out of my hotel room and doing something good for my mind, body and soul! I had CD8 monitoring yesterday and it turns out I have a few eggs, along with a cyst or two and I’m taking low dose clomid with more monitoring scheduled for Tuesday. Patience, strength and courage are needed for this journey. It’s been a rather lonely one for me the last few days. No one can do it for me. Good news is DH is making a scheduled trip out here end of week, which will be nice.

I spent some time online reviewing stats for 45 year olds attempting to use their own eggs. Why do I do that? Low, oh so low results – sigh. I suppose I do it in hopes that I’ll find something that give me more hope than I already have….something that says “YES, IT’S POSSIBLE – KEEP GOING – YOU CAN DO IT – THE FINISH LINE IS IN REACH!”. And yet I know I have to stay in reality regarding the potential outcome of my desires and the choices I’m making. There is a huge cliff jump in egg quality from age 42-44 to 45. The cellular life force is just not quite there as it was in our 30s and 20s. I recently read about and have added PQQ – Pyrroloquinoline Quinone – to my mix of supplements. It’s the one supplement that has been proven to trigger mitochondria biogenesis. Even as I write this I think, “Stay in reality, good for adding something to the mix that could be great for your health, but remember there is no magic baby-making pill.” God designed procreation to come to an end just as our yearly seasons end and fade into another. I’m nearing the end of that season. But I’m not there YET! Miracles do happen for some, a few, women 45 and over. So – why can’t I be one of them? I paid for 6 mini-ivfs with the Happy Fertility clinic in Southern California. I’m committed to staying on track and seeing where this leads. For now, it’s time to do the next right thing. A hot shower, breakfast, and yoga along with a trail hike are in store for today. Days like today feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a downward spiral into self pity, fear, and isolation. Thankfully, I know I have choices and I can choose not to go there. I think the sun is starting to peak through the clouds!

Fall is in the air; time to slow down, let go, and rest

It’s that amazing time here in Atlanta when the air is cool, crisp, and the leaves are starting to turn.  I’m so grateful to live in a part of the country that experiences this season.  There is an incredible energetic shift taking place before our eyes.  Summer is over, as is the need for our Yang energy, that outward, outgoing vibrant energy of summer which begins to move inward and downward.  The Chinese believe that Autumn prepares us for Winter by allowing Yang to shift to Yin energy as we slow into rest.  And like a stubborn teen, Yang doesn’t always want to rest. But it must, so we can begin to prepare and plan for the future and allow time and space for thoughts to mature. Nature’s cycle of letting go has turned inward, returning to origin and source; the earth.  This is the time to consolidate and rest our Chi, so our energy can go into “seed production”, to be stored and prepared for the next planting.  Just as a tree pulls it energy inward, downward, into its roots in Autumn, and the leaves fall as they are let go by the tree, we too are preparing for Winter.  It is a time of stillness and reflection, and an ideal time for contemplation, meditation, storing energy and rest.

I’m grateful that at any moment I can look around at the transition of the summer leaves to beautiful fall foliage and be reminded to let go and surrender my need to control the outcome of my fertility journey.  This week I started a new cycle, and I assumed (a.k.a attached to an idea)  that it would be the same as last months.  It turns out I have cysts left over from the previous cycle and higher than my normal FSH.  I was bummed when I got the email from the clinic letting me know as it’s not what I expected to occur.  I felt a bit of panic and tension as I jumped to “What does this mean?”  “Will my cycle be cancelled?”  “Did Clomid or Lupron trigger cause these cysts?”  “Cysts are NOT normal for me!” “OMG, does this mean menopause is around corner?”  “Will I be converted to a natural cycle?”  “Is the DHEA supplement causing this?”  The questions just kept coming…rolling around in my head.  I was on the express train to full blown insanity!  Before I was too far gone, I was able to stop the trip into crazy town.  I reminded myself that while it’s ok to make plans to head out to California later in the week, at the same time I can choose to go with the flow as Life may want me to take a different route.  A trip to California and an egg retrieval may not be part of the greater divine plan this month.  It’s all good. More will be revealed.

While driving today I heard a quote from one of my favorite authors, Byron Katie, that was just what I needed to hear….”suffering is caused by attachment to a deeply imbedded belief; it’s a state of blind attachment to something that you think is true.”  As I hear these words, I’m reminded that while I have a deep longing for a biological child, and I believe it’s possible, I create my own suffering when I think it should have already happened or I should be pregnant today.  I can’t force it to happen. Life can’t be forced.

As I look around at the trees and see autumn colors in Atlanta, I remember I’ve been given a beautiful gift from nature; the simple reminder that just as a tree effortlessly drops it’s leaves in preparation for winter, that I too can let go and stop resisting what is. Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not.

Become a Possibilitarian

A couple of years ago, I was lucky enough to have a very wise friend suggest that I make a conscious decision to change my thoughts and choose to “live in ALL possibility”.  At the time it seemed she was asking me to live in make believe, full of fairies and unicorns.  What she was gently suggesting was that I needed to overturn those negative thoughts running through my head where I thought that having a child over 40 was impossible.  So I experimented, giving the belief a test drive, and like magic, I began to meet women 42-45 who were or had been pregnant naturally or with the help of A.R.T.   My sister was one of those amazing women, whom all doctors in Atlanta told it could never happen and they were reluctant to work with her.  She was over 42, PCOS, blocked tube, low AMH, high FSH, low AFC, overweight and a cancer survivor having been through hell and back due to her breast cancer mastectomy reconstruction and the infections lasting over a year.  And then one day it happened…baby number one via IUI when her doctor said “it would never work”, and then baby number two naturally, all in spite of the odds.  Lucky for her she never lost her ability to dwell in possibility.  Even I was skeptical it would ever happen for her.  I sat in judgement of her continued desire and I believed that she was chasing fairies and unicorns.  How arrogant of me to think I knew what God had in store for her.  In the end I thank God she never took on my beliefs.

Today I continue to monitor my thoughts to ensure I’m not falling back into the old patterns of negative, impossible thinking.  I know that as long as I don’t attach myself emotionally to the process, or even to the outcome around my longing to bring a child into this world, and as long as I remain in reality trusting God’s will for me, I will have peace.  The great news is this attitude works with all aspects of life, not just the desire for a child.  And the amazing gift this perspective brings is peace and harmony in my life, while facing the unknown.  Isn’t that what we all want as we walk this fertility journey together, peace and harmony?    Regardless of the odds placed on me by Western medicine, I choose to remain a possibilitarian.

Despite our best efforts….

Just received an email from the embryologist.  The email starts…”Despite our best efforts, your embryo did not make it to blastocyst stage”.  Sighhhhhhhhh.  I’m disappointed but ok.  My latest mantra has been “Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not”.   I’m finding so much peace in this phrase, which I can use at anytime when something is not going the why I wish it would.   I can’t change this outcome today.  I had no control to begin with.  I trust GOD’s got really good reasons for why our little ball of life is not coming into this world at this time and I trust it.  And I also trust there is a reason why this desire is still on my heart.  So, on to the next cycle.  And out the door to enjoy this fabulous fall day in Atlanta!!!  Today I thank GOD for my good fortune.

Day 5 Embryo update

I just talked to sweet Ivy – the embryology lab person at The Happy Fertility clinic to see if they had an update our little cells of life.  She said that currently our embryo was turning into a blastocyst (where the dividing cells begin to merge) and that it was still growing and has not arrested.  That’s great news!  She said they would check it again in two days.   If it makes it to full blastocyst, they will biopsy it and freeze both the blast and biopsied cells for later chromosomal testing.

While the above image is a very literal image of what’s called a compacting morula, here is what I like to envision.  An amazing sphere of life…full of dazzling energy, hard at work trying to morph into the cells that eventually become human form.

If anyone is actually reading my blog, please send some warm, postive, loving energy towards our little ball of life.  I believe there is great power in our thoughts, of which science has yet to understand.

More will be revealed….

Day 2 Embryo Update

Just got an email from Connie at the Happy Fertility Clinic who told me that as of yesterday, the Day 2 embryo was a beautiful 4-cell with symmetrical cells, little fragmentation and growing right on track.   They don’t check them again until day 5 as they don’t like to disturb them or cause any disruption in their growth cycle.  Hoping for great news on Wednesday.  Today I thank GOD for my good fortune.

Day 1 Embryo update

CD13. I took the 6:45am Delta flight home today from Orange County, CA to Atlanta and lucky for me was upgraded to first class.  While on board, I received an email from the embryologist indicating that our egg was mature, and that it fertilized.  That’s great news!  I kind of expected that it would fertilize given that their lab stats for fertilization are 97%.  Now, the waiting begins.  Will it grow to a 4AA or 3AA quality blast?  Who knows?  The great news is I have plenty of work to do this week to keep me busy and to keep me from obsessing over the growth of the embryo. First priority, TAXES!  Yep, I procrastinated and the October 15th deadline for those of us who like to file extensions is looming.  The good news is I’m getting a refund which I will apply to our current costs associated with fertility.  Oh, and even better news, is all this fertility stuff, including the travel is tax deductible.  Suh-weet!!!

There is no way to know if our little petri-dish filled with life will continue to grow, or if it will be of good quality.  We will just wait for the call, or email, letting us know if this soul is choosing to stick around.  It’s always a chance to trust GOD, stay in reality, and surrender the outcome.  Today I thank GOD for my good fortune!

Santa Ana Winds

CD 12.  Today I had my one golden egg retrieved and fertilized.  While getting ready for the shuttle ride over to the clinic this morning, the weather man explained that we’d be experiencing Santa Ana winds with an excitement similar to a weatherman forecasting tornado weather in the Southeast.  He basically described these winds as a blow dryer on high, originating from the the desert blowing towards and over the Southern California mountains bringing a ton of windy, hot, dry air mixed with dust and pollen.  I love the winds…but do not like the affect it has on my allergies.  I now know why I am having a continuous sinus headache out here.  I love the warm breezy air, but it seems many Californians don’t like the winds.  Carlos dropped me off at the clinic, and again, I was the only caucasian in the lobby today.  Many Chinese women fly from China to come to the Happy Fertility Clinic because regulations are very strict in China regarding IVF and here they have the chance to have twins, etc.  I arrived early hoping I would get a dose of valium or pain killers to calm my nerves and I was promptly called back to the staging area.  I was put into a tiny room to change, and told to take off clothes, put on paper gown, and cover my head with hair net, put on a pair of slippers, and place my articles in a locker.  I was then taken to an area where they have extra comfy cushy leather chairs behind curtains, and told to lay down and relax.  It resembled a high end spa…and the only thing missing was an area to get a mani/pedi.  I asked about the valium and that is when the drama started.  The nurse said “oh no, we don’t give patients any drugs.  Dr. Y does not believe in giving drugs, esp. in your case with only one egg”.  I panicked.  The head nurse told me they did so I was confused.  Plus my previous retrievals were all done under versed IV, and so I never felt a thing nor remembered anything.  We had a lovely back and forth where I pushed for drugs, and the nurse refused.  Finally she arrived with valium, which in the end, had zero effect on me.  Good to know.  When it was my time, they walked me into the surgical clean room and got me ready.  The doctor, a couple nurses, and embryologist were all waiting.  Doc W. performed the retrieval and he was great.  He explained what he would be doing every step of the way, asking if I’d ever watched a live retrieval and then inserted the needle into the follicle.  Amazingly I felt no pain.  Thank GOD for those tiny Japanese needles.  I watched the entire process on a small monitor next to my head as he aspirated the follicle and it shrunk and disappeared.  Then nurse then handed the vial to the embryologist who took the sample and looked at it under a microscope where I could watch the results on a large screen.  He then proclaimed “we have an egg!”  There it was on the big screen…our golden egg.

I thanked everyone for a job well done.  Then got off the table, walked back to the calm, spa-like area and was told to lay back, relax for 20-30 minutes and the nurse covered me with a down comforter.  Wow…this is nice.  Eventually I got bored as I was not in pain, nor did I have any bleeding, so I got up, got dressed, and went out to the waiting area in hopes I would speak with the doctor.  Dr. Y and chatted about this cycle and he talked about what he might tweak next cycle.  It all depends on my follicle count and hormone levels, and given my age, I should be happy to have 1-2 eggs.  Being greedy and pushing for more fertility meds in hopes of more eggs only gets you in trouble and does not guarantee good quality eggs.  We only need one good egg!

Now we wait to see if the egg fertilizes.  I’ll receive an email in the next 24 hours with an update from embryologist.  In the meantime, I think I’ll drive to the coast for some beach time and try to catch the amazing sunset.  What a great way to wrap up this week in SoCal for my first mini-IVF.  Today I thank GOD for my good fortune.