Cycle #4 a bust….

So I just wrapped up mini-IVF cycle #4. A big ol bummer of a cycle. I was very excited leaving the crazy frigid cold weather in Atlanta last week for some warm, Southern California sunshine. I arrived with my ‘lil pup in hand this time, hopeful that this cycle would be different. The month of December was skipped as the clinic was closed for two weeks and it overlapped with my cycle. I thought surely the relaxing holidays were a great time for my body to gear up for this past cycle. Dr. Y decided to change the protocol and increased the amount of clomid from 25mg to 50mg. While I started out with 4 follicles, by CD12, there were none, zero, nil, null, zilch, zip, nada. That’s a whole lotta nothing right there folks! Sighhhhhhhhh. Seems like as soon as I arrived, I was departing. I moved from disappointment to acceptance and surrender with lightening fast speed. I’m finding that each cycle is a chance for me to practice acceptance, surrender, honoring my desire while letting go of the outcome, and focusing on finding joy one day at a time. Am I sad and disappointed? Absolutely. Have I let the sadness consume me? Absolutely not. Life is just too short for me to sink to that awful place, especially when I have so much to be grateful for. When I left California Tuesday, it was 82 degrees, breezy, with clear blue skies by 10am. Who wouldn’t be grateful for that kind of beautiful weather, IN JANUARY! Plus I had a chance to hang with my ‘lil pup at the beach, take a walk at a nearby lake, visit with friends, including meeting up with a dear friend I met online whose egg retrieval occurred at the same time as my appointment on Monday. Was that luck? I dare say not, more like synchronicity!

Do we know what caused the “immeasurable follicles”? No, not really. It could be the increase in clomid, could be my age, my not so great diet, the fact that I’ve missed acupuncture, yada yada yada. There is just no way to know. So, the plan is to get back up on that horse and try again. I have 4 cycles left in my package with the Happy Fertility clinic. I’m committed to those 4 cycles, however long they take. I even started a new job to help stop the financial drain this journey has caused us. Will I do more than those 4 cycles? I have no idea. Right now I’m taking life “one cycle at a time”. I continue to pray that God “bless it our block it”, basically asking for divine guidance on my next steps and for him to make it real clear whether or not I should keep going or stop. For now, the answer is keep going.