Cycle #4 a bust….

So I just wrapped up mini-IVF cycle #4. A big ol bummer of a cycle. I was very excited leaving the crazy frigid cold weather in Atlanta last week for some warm, Southern California sunshine. I arrived with my ‘lil pup in hand this time, hopeful that this cycle would be different. The month of December was skipped as the clinic was closed for two weeks and it overlapped with my cycle. I thought surely the relaxing holidays were a great time for my body to gear up for this past cycle. Dr. Y decided to change the protocol and increased the amount of clomid from 25mg to 50mg. While I started out with 4 follicles, by CD12, there were none, zero, nil, null, zilch, zip, nada. That’s a whole lotta nothing right there folks! Sighhhhhhhhh. Seems like as soon as I arrived, I was departing. I moved from disappointment to acceptance and surrender with lightening fast speed. I’m finding that each cycle is a chance for me to practice acceptance, surrender, honoring my desire while letting go of the outcome, and focusing on finding joy one day at a time. Am I sad and disappointed? Absolutely. Have I let the sadness consume me? Absolutely not. Life is just too short for me to sink to that awful place, especially when I have so much to be grateful for. When I left California Tuesday, it was 82 degrees, breezy, with clear blue skies by 10am. Who wouldn’t be grateful for that kind of beautiful weather, IN JANUARY! Plus I had a chance to hang with my ‘lil pup at the beach, take a walk at a nearby lake, visit with friends, including meeting up with a dear friend I met online whose egg retrieval occurred at the same time as my appointment on Monday. Was that luck? I dare say not, more like synchronicity!

Do we know what caused the “immeasurable follicles”? No, not really. It could be the increase in clomid, could be my age, my not so great diet, the fact that I’ve missed acupuncture, yada yada yada. There is just no way to know. So, the plan is to get back up on that horse and try again. I have 4 cycles left in my package with the Happy Fertility clinic. I’m committed to those 4 cycles, however long they take. I even started a new job to help stop the financial drain this journey has caused us. Will I do more than those 4 cycles? I have no idea. Right now I’m taking life “one cycle at a time”. I continue to pray that God “bless it our block it”, basically asking for divine guidance on my next steps and for him to make it real clear whether or not I should keep going or stop. For now, the answer is keep going.

Heartache, Jealousy and the IVF Journey

Got another email today that starts with “Despite our best efforts”….the embryo arrested during compacting phase.  Some would say genetic defect, others would say not enough mitochondrial energy, other’s would say God’s will.  I’m going with God’s will…trusting this outcome, reminding myself that I can not control any of it.  Doesn’t matter how much effort I put into improving mind, body, spirit via supplements, acupuncture, yoga, weight loss, etc., at the end of the day, there is some higher power in control of all of this and it’s not me.  I am choosing to believe it’s just not our time, YET!.  I remain forever hopeful….and plan on trying again in January – April.   Stats say that 9 out of 10 eggs are bad at 45….so if this is true, I’m counting on at least one good egg out of 10 retrievals!  I’m not giving up and will continue to try to release my limiting beliefs!

Heartache.  I try not to complain too loudly as there are many, many women who’ve been through so much more gut wrenching heartache on this journey through IVF that I’ve never experienced.  But wow, I had an attack of heartache that can not be denied.

I experienced it yesterday.  Soul level heartache, a yearning for life not yet manifest.  We spent an hour with hubbies friend and wife from college as we stopped for a quick visit on our drive home this weekend.  She had a 7 month old in her arms, and a 2 year running around.  She was young, beautiful, radiant, happy and her children were beautiful, happy, healthy.  Cute, warm, loving military family.  I was sad.  I did my best to hide it and kept a smile on my face, but inside I was screaming, “I want that!”   I felt like crying.  But I didn’t.  I stuffed it.  I know better than to ask “God, why me, or “Why not me, God?”  Instead, I just say  “Please God, please meet my deepest desire, if it’s your will!”  Oh, and “God Please knock me over the head with clear guidance when it’s my time to give up”.  Because it’s not clear to me and I continue to lean in the direction of my deepest desire (spending tons of $$$$ in the meantime).  The great news was that in spite of my deep yearning, I’ve been given so many opportunities to practice being happy for those who have what I want.  I used to think it was impossible to experience multiple feelings at the same time but with practice I’ve learned it is very possible, and a great gift.

In this case, while I felt extreme sadness for my perceived “lack”, I was genuinely happy to be around this beautiful loving family.  I’ve learned that there is no place for jealousy on this journey, no matter how hard I try to wallow in it,  feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim to life’s harsh reality.  It may feel good for a brief moment, but eventually it burns.  I am the one that ends up paying a spiritual price for my victimhood, and self-pity.  So instead I choose to feel my feelings including sadness, while being genuinely happy for other’s successes.  I love babies, toddlers, so why wouldnt I want to be around God’s gift to others just because I lack what other’s have?  It takes practice but it works.  And that’s great progress as a few years ago I would not have been able to do this and would have avoided meeting up with this loving family.  I would have lost out on a beautiful encounter.  Life is too short and I’ve missed out on many of life’s great moments to love others as I was wrapped up in my self-pity.

So, while I got some not so great news today, life goes on!  There are no mistakes.  Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not!  Thank you Byron Katie for that little gem of a phrase I continue to lean on.  More will be revealed….

Fertilization update

I got an e-mail update from Connie, the embryology person.  One egg was mature and fertilized, the other egg was immature and did not fertilize.  I know the lead follicle was >18mm so I expected that one to be a good one…I have no idea the size of the other.  At this point it doesn’t matter…I’m just so grateful for the one egg that did make it.  I am hopeful this time that my egg has enough energy to make it over the hump to blastocyst.  More to be revealed….should hear by Saturday.

Two eggs…an exciting surprise today!

I went into the clinic today to have my egg retrieved.  I wrote the word egg, in singular form, as there was only one visible follicle – 18mm – two days ago so of course I assumed the usual, that I’d be lucky to get even one egg.  It was on my left ovary which is very challenging to get to, and quite painful when being needled.  I took 2 valium, and two hydrocodone prescribed, and neither had any affect. (I swear I’m not a drug addict either!) Note to self, need to bump up dosages next time I have a retrieval from my left ovary.   Valium just doesn’t work on me.  And no idea why the norco didn’t kick in.

The exciting part was when the embryologist said – we got two eggs!

Wow…apparently he aspirated two follicles on the left.  How he saw them I have no idea but I guess that is why we pay the big $$$ for Mr. Eagle Eyes to spot and then aspirate them.  I sure as heck couldn’t see them on the monitor and to me it looked like he was fishing around inside my ovary.  Time will tell if they are mature, good quality eggs.

Today is a great day!  And the great news is I get to fly home much earlier than expected.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Expectations and IVF…a tricky combination

Ahhhh…expectations.  With each new cycle I find myself renewed, feeling hopeful, joyfully anticipating and expecting some great news as though with the multitude of supplements I take, along with lifestyle changes I’ve made, etc. that it will all suddenly payoff in some sort of fertility jackpot.   I like to forget that I’m 45 years old, with diminished ovarian reserve, a label given older women for something that is perfectly normal and as nature intended, and I imagine the IVF nurse staring at their ultrasound screen proclaiming “WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE FOLLICLES!  THERE ARE TOO MANY FOR ME TO COUNT!  I’M GOING TO NEED HELP COUNTING ALL THESE EGGS!” with the nurse then promptly running out of the room to track down a fellow nurse to assist her in this exciting moment.

…so many beautiful follicles the the doctor’s greatest challenge is in choosing which eggs he’s going to attempt to retrieve.

This cycle I’m being reminded that there is a fine line between hope and expectations.  It’s good to have hope!  But expectations, hmmmm, well you see, this is where things can get dicey fast as most of the time I end being let down, sad and disappointed when things don’t go “as expected”.  You’d think by now that I’ve learned that the minute I attach to some idea or belief of how I think the progress or outcome of an IVF cycle would turn out, it doesn’t end well and feel caught off guard. I know better. I know better that when I stay in reality and go with the flow, that most of the time I can accept what is and just ride the wave of reality in the moment without too much angst or tension. And yet this cycle I did it again. I expected and assumed I knew how the cycle would go and I found myself falling back into old patterns of struggling with reality.

As it would happen, during my CD2 monitoring session last Sunday, the nurse proclaimed….”no visible follicles”. What???  What do you mean “no visible follicles”?  It would appear, in that moment, that my eggs were on strike.

Or, maybe, possibly, they were simply in the shadows in my ovaries and just needed a little more time to come out of hiding.

So I posted a question out to the fabulous ladies on my fertility forum and they said don’t worry, this happens, give your eggs time, at least one will pop up by your next monitoring session.

I decided to trust the wisdom and experience of these fabulous veteran IVF women who’ve gone before me ;  I chose to believe that by the time to got to California, for CD8 monitoring, I’d have at least one golden egg.  I let go of fear and worry.   I was at peace, in the moment and began to prepare for the trip out to California.  I even got my fall/winter garden planted and I’m excited to see what my harvest will look like in the spring.

I arrived last night in California after a long, challenging set of flights and an unfortunate experiencing involving my luggage being left on the ramp in Houston during a torrential thunderstorm.  With plenty of hotel room hangars to help my soaked clothes recover and dry out and a good night’s sleep,  I too recovered.

Today is CD8 and I was told I have an 18mm follicle growing on my left ovary.  Surprise!!!  One of my eggs was indeed hiding and decided to reveal itself today.

I assumed that this cycle would be another long one, with a terrible set of blood draws, a fight with a nurse over my treatment plan, spending Thanksgiving in California alone, and today I was pleasantly surprised to find out it’s not quite as expected. So lucky for me I’m not ending up confused, or sad, but I was caught off guard with good news and have had to laugh at myself for realizing that yet again I continue to think I know how I think life is going to unfold on this IVF journey.

My stats from today….

CD8 results
E2 (139.2) LH (6.2) FSH (14.4)
U/S:
EM: 9.3mm
RT: 8mm
LT: 18mm

Great news!  I’ll be triggering tonight at midnight, and most likely I can fly home Tuesday. And because I expected another long drawn out cycle like last month, I overpacked, and overbooked everything…including the car, hotel and flight!  Thankfully this time, inspite of my expectations, things are turning out pretty darn good.

The reminder I’m being given this cycle is to stay in reality, go with the flow, and try hard to find joy in ALL things while letting go of attachment to the outcome.  Everything is as it should be whether I like it or not!

Egg retrieval Monday at 11am.  More, most definitely, will be revealed!

A little IVF humor because laughter is great medicine

Since I couldn’t post this on Facebook as I don’t share details of my fertility journey with my social network, I had to post it here!  I try to find the humor in everything on this fertility journey….and ladies there is a ton of crazy funny stuff if you look for it every day!!!

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8

The Japanese have a proverb that goes “Fall down seven times, stand up eight”.  For those of us who have been on this IVF journey for a while, we sure know this well.  That about sums up how I’m feeling today.  It’s Monday, start of a new week.  I have a long list of things to do and it’s time to focus on these things, one item a time.  Time to shift from the craziness of the last IVF cycle and focus on what Life has in store for me in this moment.    Thank GOD I know I have choices today.  I can wallow in self pity and sadness, or pick myself up and keep on moving.  I choose the latter. Life goes on….one day at a time!  Happy Monday everybody!

An über disappointing day…

So today was the day I was scheduled to have an egg retrieved.  But something went wrong….at 32 hours post trigger it appeared the egg was either missing in action, or still attached to he follicle wall.  So I had to wait four hours and endure yet another retrieval in hopes the doctor could get the egg.  BTW – the needle looks like a two foot long monster.  And that was inserted multiple times in hope of aspirating the follicle and thus collecting the egg.  At times it felt like the needle would break out of my abdomen, like something from the movie Alien.  All of this with zero medication.  And then Nothing. Nada. Zero was retrieved.  Sighhhhh a such huge disappointment.  The doctor says he does not believe that I ovulated.  He believes that he attempted retrieval too early 32 hours post trigger vs. 35-36 hours.

Either way, the egg is MIA.  Did I ovulate this morning prior to retrieval? Or is the egg still attached to the follicle wall.  We will never know.  So, the cycle was a bust and I will go on with life and try again next cycle.  I don’t want to look back.  Instead I want to look forward to the next cycle.  When you fall down, old time IVFers say its best to get back up quickly dusting yourself off and stay focused on solution and the goal.  No time for self pity and whining and victimhood.

I’m not going to dwell on this busted cycle and what was lost because I can’t control any of it. Instead I’m going to fly home and stay focussed on getting read for the next cycle.  Taking care of self is key, especially after the highs and lows of an IVF cycle.  None of my friends who have never been through IVF can ever understand this journey, as hard as they try, so I’m careful not to mention the details to them while in the meantime, I trust whole heartedly they love me and are praying for me while on this journey.

What do I know today?  I AM a beautiful, fertile woman.  I have eggs!  Good ones that are full of lifes potential to meet that longing to come into this life!  And most importantly I have a dear hubbie (DH), and amazing partner whom I love so very much and supports me along this journey.  It just doesn’t get much better than that.

Regarding The Happy Fertility Clinic and Dr. Y;  Yes, I still love them.  All of them…every single nurse, admin, etc.  They are not perfect.  Neither am I. Things don’t always go as we planned…and I trust there is some sort of divine reason for all of this.  I don’t understand it, but I don’t need to today.  I have a deep knowing that I’m exactly where I need to be today, regardless of the outcome.

Lesson learned from his cycle are to not be afraid to take the narcotics offered, AND, pay closer attention to monitoring CD10-12.

Thanks for reading and supporting me along this journey of which we can not know the outcome, and we walk it anyway.    Today I’m grateful for my good fortune.

Pisstosterone – The Forgotten Hormone

Happy Halloween to all my blog readers tonight! I’m sitting here in my small mediocre motel-ish California hotel room thinking it would be good for my sanity to jot down a few thoughts regarding my day today. To bore you with the details or to spare you, that is the question. I’ll just say that we (the doc, the nurse, and myself) all may have waited one day too late to monitor and therefore there is a slight chance I’ll ovulate prior to retrieval on Saturday AM. Aaarrgghh!

For my number loving friends, here ya go! These are from today’s CD13 monitoring appointment.

CD13
E2(258.7) LH(16.7) FSH(35.5) P4(0.77)
U/S
EM: 9mm
RT: 6mm
LT: 22mm

As you can see I have a ripe ‘ol egg on the left ovary at 22mm, a whopper for me. What I don’t understand and the nurse could not explain to me today is how I went from 14mm two days ago, to 22 mm today?!? I’ve been told don’t worry, they only grow 1-2mm/day. Ummmm, ok.

Why am I pissed? Because if there is no egg in that follicle because I ovulate early, all this time, money, effort this cycle, down the friggin drain! Including a lost egg.

At 45, EVERY EGG COUNTS FOLKS!!!

Envision Xena, Warrior Princess walking from a rental car to her hotel room, swinging a battle ax and that would describe how I was feeling. I emailed the nurse promptly when I got back to my hotel room and let her know I was mad. She called me and began to talk quickly, asking me questions on how the clinic handled the cycle in August, asked if there was a 34-36 hour gap, blah blah blah. She hung up, talked to the Dr., and called me back. The new plan she says, is to take advil around the clock until Saturday morning to help prevent ovulation, trigger with Lupron tonight at midnight, and then she said good luck and good bye!

So, while I went to the freak out ledge earlier today with plenty of pisstosterone, for now I am choosing to believe in ALL possibilities as I wrote in a previous blog and hope that in fact they get an egg Saturday a.m. There better be a friggin egg in that follicle folks! More to be revealed!

Clomid flowers…

Last night I called a friend and left three teary messages….long ones…..rambling about how I was feeling sentimental, missing Halloween, one of my favorite holidays, feeling lonely, etc. WTH? I’m a Gemini…not a Pisces, Cancer or Scorpio – which are typically the emotional ladies of the Zodiac. Now emotions are not a bad thing…and please, if you are a water sign please don’t take offense. What I’m saying is for me, it’s very rare for me to be weepy, teary, overly sentimental, etc. And then it hit me late last night. CLOMID. It’s the dang clomid. I made several clomid-induced phone calls and I burst out laughing when I realized that I am affected by this sweet fertility drug. Even on a low dose, it’s affecting me. My blog post yesterday? Yep..a clomid post! So, I asking all my friends and family members, that when I call and I use phrases like “I’m so sentimental” or anything else uber-sappy etc., to stop and ask me if I’m on clomid. Then we can laugh and I can dial it back.

Today was a great day! Since I did not have a monitoring appointment, I took a yoga class nearby. It was an hour and half beginner class, and it was nothing like a gentle or restorative. It was a fabulous invigorating moving yoga class that left me feeling energized and good. Afterwards, I went to a new acupuncturist nearby and she too was awesome. When I got back to my hotel room, the message light was blinking….so I called the front desk and they said I had a package waiting for me. I was so curious as I didn’t order anything….so I walked down and here’s what I found….

Awwww soooo sweet….from my awesome DH! He sent me clomid flowers! 😉 Sent to brighten my day while I’m out here all alone feeling weepy, and emo. I am a lucky girl!

Monitoring tomorrow….here were my CD8 results for those of you who love numbers…E2(137.8) LH(8.1) FSH(21.0) P4(0.26)
US
EM:6mm
RT: simple cyst 8mm, 7mm (long flat)
LT: 12mm, 8mm

Can’t wait to see if those follies on the left grew and what surprises are hiding in my right ovary!